How to get away with fraudulent sick days

*** Warning this is NOT ADVICE only humour ***

Fraudulent sick days are essential in any job you hate. Check the small print in your contract to find out how many paid sick days you get a year. I asked in my interview. It didn’t go down well.

Throw a couple of sick days early on in a new job; they won’t expect you to fake illness so soon. When your sick days inevitably increase, they will be less noticeable as your record is already blemished. I only pulled one sickie in my first 6 months, and 5 in the next six months when I started being paid for them. This was flagged by HR, and yet another disciplinary meeting followed.

Manager’s monitor which days you call in sick on, the classics are Monday and Friday or ideally both. Mix up the days you don’t come in. Try coming in every other day for a week. As long as you’re suitably hung-over each time you’ll look convincingly rough and get brownie points for trying to work through your ‘illness’. Commit to the lie and go home ‘sick’ at lunch time.

If you’re pulling a long-weekender you must ham up your ‘illness’ the preceding days. Splash water on your face when your Manager’s not looking to give the illusion of cold sweats. Start talking in archaic language so they think you’re in a delirious fever. “I wonder whether I’ve happened upon a touch of Yellow Fever!” Bellow this like a belligerent, Dickensian drunk, before staring intently at your Manager and whispering “Mr Bigglestock’s mistress had it last week you know!”

I repeatedly joked about calling in sick for a two-day sales meeting. I then called in sick. No-one thought I’d be stupid enough to joke about it and then do it. Underestimate my stupidity at your peril. This tactic should be used sparingly to bypass particularly traumatic meetings.

When filling out return to work forms, make your descriptions so graphic that they don’t question you any further. “Streams of filth oozed…” You get the idea. But most importantly don’t short change yourself on sick days and don’t feel guilty. You do something you hate for 9 hours a day, for the benefit of some over-weight Manager who doesn’t care about you… Why not call in sick tomorrow? You deserve it.

 

Next Monday: How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate.

 

Written by Martin Stocks

Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or https://twitter.com/Stocks1986

 

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