How to man-manage your lawyer

My lawyer was testing my patience, what with her constant questions, picking holes in my delightfully fabricated story and chastising me for my courtroom quips. In short she was too competent and was spoiling my fun.

If I wasn’t careful this trial would be resolved too quickly and I would have to return back to the office to continue avoiding my employees. She was also hampering my creative instincts and limiting my array of fine quips, what with her constant objecting. “She’s very objectionable,” I jested to the judge, before firing her and announcing that I would defend myself.

My significant experience of employment tribunals, dismissal hearings and disciplinary meetings had given me solid grounding in exploiting the law. Granted, these were incompetent HR drones that I was overpowering, and now I was locking horns with the legal elite. Yet I fancied my chances. I also could use my ignorance to carry favour with the jury and to delay proceedings indefinitely.

Now dizzy with excitement I shouted “objection” just as my opposing lawyer was about to begin speaking. “She hasn’t spoken yet,” snapped the Judge. “I’d like to keep it that way your Honour”.

As the day progressed my opposing lawyer started to unpick the case against her client claiming the evidence was “circumstantial”. I countered with a fine speech ending with an emphatic soundbite, “The evidence may be circumstantial. Yet the evidence is damning”.

This didn’t seem to wash with several of the jury and I started to dream up a plan to deal with these rascals.

The trial continues next Monday.

The previous series can be read here.

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Watch Martin’s interviews with filmmaker Ken Loach and The Green Party