How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate
**** Warning this is purely for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken as advice ****
Before every interview I spend hours thinking up the most offensive and bizarre interview answers. This doesn’t help my already slender chances success due to my nonchalance, air of superiority and penchant for the bellow.
Interviewers for terrible jobs are like apologetic pimps who currently only have over-weight, masculine hookers. They know you won’t respect or particularly enjoy their girls but they know you’re desperate.
I convinced an interviewer that I would turn down Hollywood interest in my film scripts to stay in his call centre. They will believe what they want to hear. They want to know you will plan to stay with them a long time, work quietly and endlessly chase the dream of progression. Lying is essential.
Interviewer: Your degree and work experience are in writing. Is that where your passion lies?
Me: My real passion is telesales, ideally in a company where I will be under-paid and overworked.
Interviewer: When can you start?
In order to get my first office job I completely made up a job on my CV. I was so good at this fictional job that I was promoted within 3 months. When pressed on your lies keep your answers vague and abrupt. The truth that job never existed and my reference was my mate Steve may have harmed my chances. Just lie. Passion for customer experiences, great work ethic, first in last out.
When asked how you respond to criticism say “My Manager criticised me recently and let’s just say he won’t be doing it again.” Punch your palm and nod at the interviewers seriously. If a female interviewer flinches you should say “Ah she knows.”
“Why do you want the job?” Catch that grenade and toss it right back. “Why should I want to work here as opposed to the other companies interested in me?” Nothing is more enticing than when someone out of your league hints they may be attainable. Have the attitude that you’re too good for this role and it’s down to them to change your mind.
Make a memorable exit by turning back from the door and saying “Which came first, chicken or the egg?” Do not leave until they answer. Sit back down if you have to. Whichever answer they give say, “Incorrect and I’ll tell you why on my first day.”
Next Monday: How to survive the Christmas party
Written by Martin Stocks
Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or https://twitter.com/Stocks1986
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