Depression in a Mans World

Aloha and welcome. I am Jack. Come with me for a moment.

Although it feels like a lifetime has since passed, in actuality it was just a few short years ago I stumbled into the dark realm of depression. I know; not the most pleasant way to start but bear with me. I am going to share something with you that very few people know.

My last relationship completely and utterly destroyed me. Make no mistake, I loved her with all of my heart, I still love her and I will undoubtedly love her until the day I die and in no way will I pretend everything that went wrong was her fault or that we didn’t have good times too because the truth is, for all of the pain that relationship brought me, the good memories we share are some of the happiest I have ever been. That being said, this love I cherished so dearly took me to both my absolute highest and lowest. Mentally, emotionally and even physically it broke, shattered and changed me. This was one of the forces standing tall at the heart of my spiraling descent into the unfathomable depths of my own personal hell but it was not the only factor at play.

Believe it or not, it is entirely possible for a person to be crumbling under the pure pressure of depression, due to the trials and sometimes soul dampening weight of life, without them realizing it. This is exactly what happened to me.

After, what can only be described as, an unfortunate series events I fell. Hard. I won’t bore you with the specific details, as that is another story for another time, but the compounding effects of the aforementioned love, with heartbreak, betrayal, very negative changes and multiple deaths, well…I felt like I had just endured a gauntlet and I was not entertained.

I had no motivation. Days went by without me leaving the bed. I dropped out of university as I was mentally in no place to be there. I began to binge eat. My world as I knew it crumbled around me before violently trickling through my fingers as I unsuccessfully attempted to cling on to even an iota of anything which seemed to make sense; and as uncomfortable as it may be to know, I became suicidal.

Again, I am aware this is not the most pleasant thing to read but it is something that can affect any of us at any moment. Every one of us knows at least one person who has taken their own life and I assure you that, even though you are unaware you do, everyone knows at least one who has or still engages in the act of self-harming.

Unnerving right? But why is it unnerving? Simple: society and the socially accepted ideology of what is “acceptable” to speak about commands and conditions us to shy away from these things. Sure, small networks exist where you can go and talk to someone about the way you feel but don’t you dare share it with anyone who is not “qualified” to deal with it. Don’t you dare to think or feel. At least not in a way that those around you wish didn’t exist. Oh no, not that. If you do, most dismiss you as crazy or suggest you stifle and suffocate your differences. They cut themselves out of the picture or simply shunt you. Reality is too real for them.

Now, obviously I did not commit suicide and if we fast-forward past the counseling – both the successful and unsuccessful attempts – the seemingly never-ending ocean of tears, the vicious cyclical onslaught of questions, doubts, fears, what-ifs and memories I wish I could forget…then we’ll find ourselves firmly at the helm of the real reason I’m writing.

Ladies and gentlemen, life is full of trials and hardships. These things are painful and can be entirely debilitating but I assure you they are extremely necessary. It is the darkness, which helps us to appreciate the light. It is the rain, which gives us cause to rejoice the sun, and it is adversity that instigates evolution along our journey. It is impossible for everything to be hugs and puppies all the time because there can be no balance without opposing forces at play. Too often we exist as prisoners of a social construct that has attempted to and, in many cases, succeeded in dictating to us how we should think and feel as well as what is “acceptable” to talk about. I say fuck that. If you feel it, if you live it, if you are interested in it: talk about it. Life is an experience and you are entitled to think and feel whatever you think and feel about the things you go through. Nobody can live your life for you so why should anyone dictate to you the way you live?

Do not, under any circumstance, suffer through depression or any other form of hardship alone. I believe one of the reasons I became so messed up, is because I chose to not talk about it. We were not made to endure this world alone. We are here and you can guaran-damn-tee that everything you have been through or will go through, somebody else has already, will or is currently going through it too. What kind of life can be lived while shying away and pretending that the less desirable things do not exist? They are there and they will be there long after you have gone.

Life is a journey. The journey holds the highest level of importance because it makes where you were and where you are relevant. If we are honest about who we are and what we feel, this arduous journey will become that much easier. Things will not always go the way you want but that is okay; control what you can and adapt to what you cannot. Live your life. Only you can do that.

Jack.