Equilibrium of Love

“I love you.”

How many times have you whispered, spoken or screamed those words at someone? (For the sake of clarity, I am explicitly referring to the act of being ‘in love’ as opposed to simply loving.) Now ask yourself this; retrospectively speaking, how many times did you mean it or adversely, how many times did you believe it when the words were gifted to you? I say retrospectively because I am sure for most of us, while we exist within that moment we believe we mean it but when afforded the joy of retrospect we often find the truth we managed to conceal even from ourselves.

Love and the belief in it, is one of the most empowering yet debilitating emotions we can possibly feel and as far as attachments go, there is none more potent than this. When you love someone, when your feeling heart and your flustered mind have become attached to the idea, ideals and presence of another soul you will verily find yourself prepared and willing to storm the very bowels of hell’s darkest recess to be with them or for them. So where does it go wrong? How does something so electric, so fulfilling, so seemingly pure and beautiful ever become the parent of destruction for one if not both of the individuals involved?

The beauty and the beast simultaneously known as love, in all its duality, can so vigorously incite a loss of control within us. On one hand, we relinquish control the moment we realize we’re in love and this is great because love is active. It is a feeling; one that exists whether we want it or not and really, what better way to interact with it than to just let go? Let yourself be free and exist within the moments you have to share with this person because the sad truth is, you have no idea how many of those moments you have left before one of you is snatched away by any number of events.

On the other hand, control is yanked from our petrified grasp of uncertainty – even more so if we have previously been hurt by our interaction with love – and it is this perpetual state of having no control that essentially leaves us completely open and vulnerable. It is like freefalling at 112mph, with no parachute, 25 miles above the sea. You know that when you hit, it is going to hurt and you’ll likely drown beneath the weight of your bleeding heart but in those moments you are more alive and more afraid than you have ever been in your life.

One of the things that can make the state of love so dangerous is perseverance. Either lack there of, or more than is necessary. Seemingly there is a misconception that love should always be smooth-sailing but the thing is – and those of us who have truly felt love will know this – love is hard. Here is where the real problem begins.

Those who are aware love is hard and see value in working to make a relationship worthwhile and fruitful, suffer the most because these soldiers of love will continue to trudge and fight through battlefields in a war that has long been over. They push, struggle, claw and crawl while clutching the dream of a future that simply cannot exist, based on the memory of a past that no longer exists. For example, if you have read my previous articles you may recall me saying, “my last relationship completely and utterly destroyed me.” This was no joke but the real crux of it is as simple as: I actively helped this relationship destroy me because I could not walk away. There are countless times where I probably should have walked away and doing so, though it would have hurt in that moment, I could have saved us both from new unrelenting worlds of hurt; but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to give up. This boy loved that girl with every ounce of his existence. It was the strength of this love that led me to preserve and endure. It was my conviction and my belief that if you truly want something – especially a relationship – you must be willing to give all of yourself. But what happens when you have nothing left to give? What happens when you reach the point of realizing it is over, but you still cannot let go? Well…it will be the end of you, as you know it. You will fall but with some time you will adjust to this new equilibrium and stand once again before making a phoenix rise. You will have grown and have learned so much that will be of the greatest value when love strikes again. Sometimes, you can be so marred by the experience you cannot even handle the mere idea of loving again. But it’s ok. The fear is ok. Just don’t let it control you.

On the flipside, there are those who do not give enough; who run at the first sign of grey skies and have no perseverance whatsoever. They too become marred by love as they wonder why it never works and why they never get anything out of it, without considering the fact that they have got from it exactly what they put in. Nothing.

Love can bring you great pain. It can be terrifying but I assure you, even love that ends in complete chaos will still mean the world to you and if you truly want the most out of love, you must be willing to go all in. The balance is hard to find – knowing when enough is enough – but I think it better to give more and receive less than to give less and expect the world.

The fact is this: love is hard; but nobody ever said it would be easy. Do not give up on love. Neither you, nor your heart deserves that. Love like you would want to be loved and love like the world is coming to an end. You don’t know how much time you have left, so live for the moments.

Jack.