How to Antagonise the entire company

*** This piece is for entertainment purposes ONLY and a good laugh***

 One of our rivals recently went out of business and hundreds of people lost their jobs. My Managers were delighted. I decided to punish them for their lack of empathy.

I extended this punishment to the entire company as I dislike most of them. Before every Manager’s meeting I pocket every tea spoon from the kitchen. I then lurk there until they come in for their morning coffee. I smirk misanthropically as these obese Managers search every drawer and cupboard. “No tea-spoons!” They shout, before trying to measure their sugar with dessert spoons and using the handle to stir. I make a note to steal the dessert spoons also tomorrow.

I also try to steal every pen in the building. This is harder but more rewarding. I memorise everyone’s lunch, break and smoking schedule and sneak in and get their pens. When questioned on why I kept leaving my desk I shouted “Irritable bowel syndrome!” I wasn’t asked again. I whip my jobsworth colleagues into a furore by suggesting we have a biro thief at large. Minutes earlier I had, of course, left a trail of pens leading to one of the Manager’s offices.

Before lunch I replace the tea spoons and pocket the knives and forks. Why not slip one piece of cutlery into everyone’s pocket? Make them think they’re stealing the cutlery themselves without realising.

Come in early and sign in. Then go back out and block the entrance for your colleagues. Fiddle with the lock for several minutes as if it’s broken. Wait until everyone’s late and then allow them in. Why not bring up your colleagues punctuality issues at the annual meeting?

Finish up by replacing the coffee powder with gravy granules.

Next Monday: How to stop nosy colleagues looking at your screen

 

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