How to avoid conversations with Management

Conversations with Management are a mine field. You have to fake enthusiasm, excitement and interest. I prefer to avoid them entirely.

As I see my Manager approach, I pick up my phone and dial a random number. When he asks me something I mouth “big new customer” and start a conversation with the poor person I’ve just called. He tends to leave his “motivational” talks until 4:50 in the afternoon. I pencil in my final toilet break of the day for that time.

I once shared a train journey with a Manager in which he asked what he should change about the company. I answered in such detail that he decided it’d be easier to sack me instead of making my suggested changes. If on a train with a Manager get off at the first stop and change carriages to avoid him. I did this but bumped into my Manager when getting off the train. I blamed this on the prescription painkillers I’ve been taking.

I tune out whenever my Manager speaks. I make my disinterest known by interrupting him and asking something like “If eagles and bears were the same size, which would win in a fight.” He’s likely to leave you alone with your thoughts from now on.

When passing your Manager in the corridor ask “How are you?” Shout “tremendous” before he can respond and stride purposely away. If he calls you back, say “better dash, these revenue targets won’t hit themselves”. Wink at him and pace out of harm’s way.

To avoid talking to my Manager in a meeting I respond to any questions with an “ergghhh” noise. If this is too risky for you, tell your Manager you will only answer one question today. When he does ask his question refuse to answer it anyway and tell him you were lying. He will admire this deceptive streak and may promote you to Management.

Next Monday: How to break the silence in your office

Written by Martin Stocks

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