**** Warning this is not advice and is purely for entertainment purposes only ****
If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not learning. If that’s true I must be a genius. My former employer lent me a brand new car for the weekend to learn about. I didn’t learn a thing and also reversed it into a lamp post.
I denied all knowledge of this. Manager’s struggle when you stone wall them with ignorance. Ignorance, when coupled with indifference, is a very powerful weapon. Give off the air that you couldn’t care less and they will assume you’re not responsible at all. They will be reluctant to accuse you of something for fear of it being used against them in your tribunal. As Denzel Washington said in Training Day “It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove”.
When brought into a disciplinary, grin at your Manager as though you’re proud of your mistakes. Wait until he speaks and interrupt him with “I’m a man of immediate action and I make no apologies for that.” Embrace the following silence with another smug grin. They’ll like that. Wait until he talks and interrupt him again with “A bad decision is better than indecision”. Give him a smarmy nod, stand up and call an end to this disciplinary hearing. Turn back to your stunned Manager and say “Stick with me kid, you won’t go far wrong”. Why not give a wink?
Attack is the best form of defence when faced with your mistakes. If you’re in a poorly paid office job you will be under trained and over-worked. Draw attention to your lack of training by sending an email asking for further training early on. After this is inevitably ignored you can cite this as the reason for your mistakes. If your Manager’s micromanage you, question why they didn’t spot your error at the time. Lecture them on the importance of attention to detail.
I recently sent an offer to 80 leisure centres for a product we didn’t stock, for a price we couldn’t offer. I emailed my colleagues announcing the impending shit-storm and then went on annual leave for several days. I palmed this responsibility onto the Customer Service Supervisor who constantly bitches anyway, so nobody would listen to her complaints about me. An inspired move even if I do say myself.
Next Monday: How to get away with fraudulent sick days
Written by Martin Stocks
Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or https://twitter.com/Stocks1986
How to uses your Manager’s jargon against him http://ow.ly/qUWwu
How to let HR know you’re not to be trifled with http://ow.ly/qGtYC
How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hateow.ly/qxjLV
How to bully the Manager who’s bullying you http://ow.ly/qexV4
How to tolerate the colleagues you hate http://shar.es/EMJPo
How to nail an appeal letter after being sacked from the job you hate. http://ow.ly/pM7Fz
How to make a disastrous impression on your new Manager http://shar.es/EfmWh
How to antagonize the customer you’ve already antagonized. ow.ly/pm8Es
How to get away with bellowing at your Manager ow.ly/p6hG0
How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate ow.ly/oSVp8
How to find and expose snakes in the office http://ow.ly/oFKNi