How to get away with calamitous mistakes

**** Warning this is not advice and is purely for entertainment purposes only ****

If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not learning. If that’s true I must be a genius. My former employer lent me a brand new car for the weekend to learn about. I didn’t learn a thing and also reversed it into a lamp post.

 

I denied all knowledge of this. Manager’s struggle when you stone wall them with ignorance. Ignorance, when coupled with indifference, is a very powerful weapon. Give off the air that you couldn’t care less and they will assume you’re not responsible at all. They will be reluctant to accuse you of something for fear of it being used against them in your tribunal. As Denzel Washington said in Training Day “It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove”.

 

When brought into a disciplinary, grin at your Manager as though you’re proud of your mistakes. Wait until he speaks and interrupt him with “I’m a man of immediate action and I make no apologies for that.” Embrace the following silence with another smug grin. They’ll like that. Wait until he talks and interrupt him again with “A bad decision is better than indecision”. Give him a smarmy nod, stand up and call an end to this disciplinary hearing. Turn back to your stunned Manager and say “Stick with me kid, you won’t go far wrong”. Why not give a wink?

 

Attack is the best form of defence when faced with your mistakes. If you’re in a poorly paid office job you will be under trained and over-worked. Draw attention to your lack of training by sending an email asking for further training early on. After this is inevitably ignored you can cite this as the reason for your mistakes. If your Manager’s micromanage you, question why they didn’t spot your error at the time. Lecture them on the importance of attention to detail.

 

I recently sent an offer to 80 leisure centres for a product we didn’t stock, for a price we couldn’t offer. I emailed my colleagues announcing the impending shit-storm and then went on annual leave for several days. I palmed this responsibility onto the Customer Service Supervisor who constantly bitches anyway, so nobody would listen to her complaints about me. An inspired move even if I do say myself.

 

Next Monday: How to get away with fraudulent sick days   

 

Written by Martin Stocks

Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or https://twitter.com/Stocks1986

 

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