How to maintain sanity in the job you hate

Already regretting retracting my resignation, I now hide in the toilet and shout into the sink for no particular reason.

I leave the toilet to find the Manager outside staring at me. I consider telling him that the stifling silence in my office means I have to escape and occasionally scream into the sink. I just grin at him smugly instead… I chuckle, remembering that I’d also filled the sink to the brink with water- a new habit I’ve developed.

Back at my desk, I decide to convince my Manager I’ve developed a facial tick. I swivel in my chair, spasm and bite the air in a single, seemingly involuntary movement… Sometimes I add a shriek.

The irony of maintaining sanity by faking madness is not lost on me. I start blurting out dictators, as though involuntary. “Mugabe, Hussein, Pinochet!” I scream, with a twitch and shriek to boot. He starts to give me a wide birth. I feel they’re reluctant to sack a worker who’s lost his mind as a result of the job. A law-suit waiting to happen.

I start tapping my Manager on his head whenever I pass him. When he asks for an explanation I merely shriek. He stops asking for explanations but does ask me to improve my productivity. I now sprint everywhere instead of walking. “Out of my way!” I scream, as I hurtle through the corridors. A female colleague doesn’t heed this advice and gets knocked to the floor.

Later at a family meal, genuinely involuntarily, I shriek and bite the air. I realise these ticks are no longer under my control. I sprint to the toilets, fill the sink with water, and realise that I am now genuinely insane.

Next Monday: How to avoid murdering your Manager

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Martin runs our collaborative story High Society. Read our latest piece here.

Previous Posts

How to get put on gardening leave

How to survive a pep talk from your Manager

How to pretend you like your Manager

How to close down your company

How to pretend you believe your Manager’s lies

How to look busy whilst doing nothing

How to hide you’re applying for others jobs

How to break the silence in your office