How to Manage a Hangover in the Job you Hate

 

*** This post should not be taken as advise, it is purely for entertainment purposes only ***

I delight in mid-week drinking, gulping my beer happily and deciding whether I can get away with another sick day or not.

 

As a stoic Northerner I usually turn up the next day, although in a drunk, belligerent and reckless state. There’s no better start to a day than seeing the look of fear in your Manager’s eyes as he realises you’re going to be unmanageable today. Cackle and grin drunkenly to let him know you’ll be even more obnoxious, loud and unproductive than usual…Why not do a forward roll?

Try to get a disciplinary meeting lined up for later in the week when you are sober and desperate to get off the phones. Get your colleagues to shout out bizarre words and then work these into conversations with customers. Todays were “blimey” “Hercules” and “Bob Marley”. I tried to persuade my Manager to join in at one stage. Instead of “transferring” a customer through, instead tell them you will “topspin” or “power” them through.

Use the wave of the morning drunkenness to terrify your Manager into staying out of your way. An occasional volley of verbal abuse should do the trick nicely. Get your urgent tasks done whilst drunk in the morning. You will need a nap in the afternoon.

I recently stayed out drinking until 7am and went straight to work the following day. You should have your heaviest nights out the day before a big presentation. Swagger in with the casual indifference and ego of a rock star. Enjoy the feelings of absolute freedom, confidence and lack of stress at a point when you should be most stressed. My Manager described my presentation as “wildly inappropriate” but secretly I think he was impressed.

Enjoy your week. Do as much as possible outside of work and as little as possible inside work. Develop an obnoxious and volatile persona that makes your Manager question why he ever employed you. The ideal is to make your Manager want to sack you but know he can’t. I’ve over-stepped this line numerous times throughout my farcical employment history.

Next Monday: How to defeat the office seating plan

 

Written by Martin Stocks

Tweet me @Stocks1986- https://twitter.com/Stocks1986

 

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