How to survive team building

A Customer Service Supervisor who can’t spell ‘customer’, a humourless Team Manager, pointless games and dull colleagues. Just some of the things I contend with during team building days.

I antagonize my patronizing Managers who think they can motivate me with role play games, which they describe as “crucial”. “Addressing third world poverty is crucial- holding a ball and stating your hobbies is not”, I tell them. I ask whether work-related depression counts as a hobby.

I distract anyone who’s willing to participate with songs, whistles, pokes and expressionist dance. Separate the colleagues with brains and personalities from the jobsworths. Why not start up some abusive chants? When asked to leave, I ask how I can obey the requests of a Customer Service Supervisor who can’t spell the word “customer”. I tell them I’d find their incompetence amusing if I wasn’t so angry.

I raise my hand slowly, wait until Management stop talking and then simply stare blankly at them until I’ve killed their momentum. When they start talking again, I give them a blast from my trumpet. After doing this several times, I ask Management how they justify the poor salaries. They ask me to bring this up in private. I ask how they explain the lack of progression opportunities. They ask me to bring this up in private. I ask if Scotch eggs are actually Scottish. They ask me to leave. I refuse.

I continue in this vein for the rest of the day and at one point fake a heart attack. As a Manager begins CPR I open my eyes and tell him he’s doing it incorrectly…There hasn’t been a team building day since.

Next Monday: How to resign from the job you hate

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Martin runs our collaborative story High Society. Read our latest piece here.

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