How to survive the Christmas party

**** This is not advice and the information is purely for entertainment purposes only ****
Office parties are a hilarious opportunity to wreak havoc amongst your usually reserved colleagues. At the Christmas party I got my former Manager so drunk that he threw a drink in a woman’s face and screamed “I don’t apologise on a Friday!”

I alluded to this whenever he complained about my conduct. The aim is to encourage and provoke this type of behaviour from your Managers, whilst sitting back and watching the carnage unfurl. This can be a wild-card to use to delay your dismissal. Stay close to the drunkest of your superiors, ply them with alcohol and remember any indiscretions.

At a recent work event most people stood in silence, looking around awkwardly. It was like watching people interact who’d always lived alone… in a cave! Avoid the cave dwellers and the dull work talk too. At an AGM I got drunk as quickly as possible and refused to discuss work with anyone.

I’m inappropriate when sober and worse drunk. I start impersonating the Managing Director and contesting the Managers over their unjustified salaries. I get back up from a drunken clique of the most offensive and incompetent colleagues I can find.

At all good work parties someone runs up a huge bar tab, offends everyone and shouts about hating the company. Be that someone. You could play it straight, have two drinks and leave. But where’s the fun in that. Make your own entertainment. Tell the more timid Managers about bizarre sexual encounters. Interrupt Managers talks of next year’s budget by saying you won’t be there next year. Write out your resignation letter on a serviette and wave it invitingly in your Manager’s face. Tease him that he’s about to get rid of you before eating it!

When your Manager holds court interrupt him with “I’ll tell you what you just said that interested me” (pause) “Nothing.” Wink at your Manager before loudly listing everything you dislike about the company.

They say that you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you… I like to give it a nibble.

Next Monday: Why you shouldn’t get promoted from the job you hate

Written by Martin Stocks
Tweet Martin @stocks1986