How to survive your day job

HOW TO FIND AND EXPOSE SNAKES IN YOUR OFFICE

There’s at least one snake in every office. The promiscuous climber, the cynical wash-up, the long-serving intern- or anyone else trying to climb the greasy ladder.  You must identify these treacherous beasts before it’s too late.

When joining a company do not make any sudden allegiances, it will enrage the snake if you join with one of her enemies. I say her because it has been a woman in my last two workplaces. You can’t argue with a majority like that. You also can’t argue with the snake, anything you say will be twisted and will quickly find its way into your Manager’s ears.

Overt smiles, over-loud laughter, insincere praise, quiet bitching and tutting- all traits of the office snake. You should hear enough rumblings in your first month to have a good idea who this is. Most are supervisors, bitter that they’re not real Managers. Analyse their lunch, toilet and drink schedule- the last thing you want is to be collared at the water cooler. Do not placate them by asking for advice. I did, and received a flabby arm around my shoulder, and a putrid breast pressed against my right arm. Like the last balloon at a child’s party, withered, saggy and desperate to be played with again.

If still unsure who the office traitor is, narrow the field by telling each candidate a juicy story, made to sound like a secret. Nothing arouses a sneaky snake more than the chance to divulge a secret. Tell them all a different scandalous tale and see which is circulated the quickest. This will blow the snake’s polite cover.

Make sure that you don’t go overboard with your shocking story. I told our office snake that I was a criminal wanted by the law. This blew her cover but took some explaining when the Police turned up at the office. A mild hint at dishonour will suffice.

Next Monday: How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate.

Martin Stocks