Lifestyle

How to survive your day job

debt

HOW TO FIND AND EXPOSE SNAKES IN YOUR OFFICE

There’s at least one snake in every office. The promiscuous climber, the cynical wash-up, the long-serving intern- or anyone else trying to climb the greasy ladder.  You must identify these treacherous beasts before it’s too late.

 

When joining a company do not make any sudden allegiances, it will enrage the snake if you join with one of her enemies. I say her because it has been a woman in my last two workplaces. You can’t argue with a majority like that. You also can’t argue with the snake, anything you say will be twisted and will quickly find its way into your Manager’s ears.

 

Overt smiles, over-loud laughter, insincere praise, quiet bitching and tutting- all traits of the office snake. You should hear enough rumblings in your first month to have a good idea who this is. Most are supervisors, bitter that they’re not real Managers. Analyse their lunch, toilet and drink schedule- the last thing you want is to be collared at the water cooler. Do not placate them by asking for advice. I did, and received a flabby arm around my shoulder, and a putrid breast pressed against my right arm. Like the last balloon at a child’s party, withered, saggy and desperate to be played with again.

 

If still unsure who the office traitor is, narrow the field by telling each candidate a juicy story, made to sound like a secret. Nothing arouses a sneaky snake more than the chance to divulge a secret. Tell them all a different scandalous tale and see which is circulated the quickest. This will blow the snake’s polite cover.

 

Make sure that you don’t go overboard with your shocking story. I told our office snake that I was a criminal wanted by the law. This blew her cover but took some explaining when the Police turned up at the office. A mild hint at dishonour will suffice.

 

Next Monday: How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate.

Martin Stocks