Arts

High Society Part 2

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Champagne

 

Albert

If you were to study Albert you would think him a distinguished chap and thinker of wise thoughts. The truth, however, was that Albert was more vacant than the audience of a Right Said Fred tribute band. His white straw hat added to the misconception but in fact he had found it seven minutes ago on the ground.

 

Quite how Albert had found himself at Piccadilly in London was a mystery. He seemed to exist in another time – the fifties would have suited him – and his pristine navy suit and polite demeanour gave the impression his goals and philosophies in life were lofty indeed. But in fact he simply wanted a ham and chutney sandwich. 

 

He arrived outside The Savoy where a young man –Albert would later find out he was the rapscallion Denny Rogers – was standing holding a golden pocket watch.

 

“Excuse me young chap,” Albert started ever-so-politely. “Can you tell me where I can find a good ham and chutney sandwich?”

 

“Try The Ritz?” Denny said sarcastically and walked away.

 

Albert flagged down a taxi immediately and requested “The Ritz please”.

 

The taxi drove past a suited man in slippers who grabbed a pigeon from a puddle of water. Albert shook his head and wondered what the world was coming to.

 

 

As the taxi containing Albert pulled in, The Ritz’s Doorman (a man in a perennial bow) was awaiting the arrival of Ernest Malbery, Chief Executive of The Ritz. The Doorman had never met Malbery but knew he was coming in today for an important meeting with Baroness Drinkwater. He had heard that Malbery was a distinguished-looking older chap prone to demanding obscure things. So when Albert alighted from the taxi and asked for a ham and chutney sandwich – the Doorman understandably mistook him for the man himself and ushered him inside.

 

 

“Baroness Drinkwater is in the restaurant Sir” the Doorman told Albert.

 

“Tremendous” Albert stated. He assumed she would arrange the sandwich.

 

Albert observed she was a stout woman, in her forties, whose perfume grew stronger as he got closer.

 

“Hello Baroness, very nice to meet you” Albert said, sitting down.

 

“Hello there” the Baroness replied. She had no idea who this little man was. She was normally quite an abrupt woman in such circumstances but this little man looked ever so polite so didn’t want to offend him.  She bit her lip.

 

“Will you be arranging the sandwich?” Albert asked.

 

“I beg your pardon?” the Baroness answered.

 

“Will you be arranging my sandwich?” he repeated. “Ham and chutney if you please.”

 

Drinkwater became annoyed. Perhaps this little man was not polite after all. No this was a sexist little man who made to demean her for her prestigious title by giving her orders.

 

“How dare you, you silly, silly, silly little man!”

 

Albert sighed. What was the world coming to? What sort of sandwich seller is so rude? But Albert was a dignified man (if not truly distinguished).

 

“Good day Baroness” he said, leaving her and heading into the kitchen, where he made his own sandwich. Albert handed the baffled chef £10, which he was sure would cover the ingredients of this sandwich.

 

As Albert left The Ritz happily eating his sandwich, he walked passed a man protesting to come in as he was the Chief Executive. Albert noticed he was the same man he’d seen earlier, in the taxi…

 

Written by Martin Stocks

Twitter: @Stocks1986

Blog: http://hatemanager.tumblr.com/

 

Next Wednesday: Ernest Malbery

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