How to close down the company you hate

I orchestrated an elaborate hoax to shut down the business for at least a day. I turned up early and a van marked “Toxic Waste Solutions” screeched past me. 3 men in nuclear boiler suits ran out, tipped luminous green paint on the floor and cordoned off the building.

The obese Managing Director was waved away from his building by my lead actor, who I instructed through an ear piece. He was told there had been a toxic spillage and was asked if he had been dealing barrels of toxic waste. The ruddy faced MD threatened to call his lawyer. “That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said”, I had my man to tell him.

The entire workforce now waited in the car park as my actors “inspected” this waste. A stripper dressed as a Policeman waited for my signal behind a tree. I chuckled as the MD again shouted “No I don’t deal toxic waste!” With exquisite timing, I another truck pulled up and unloaded several barrels, all marked toxic. “Another delivery as requested,” they said to the MD. The “courier” showed the speechless MD an order sheet with his forged signature on.

I sent my Policeman stripper over. “’Ello ‘ello ‘ello. What’s all this then? You realize that dealing toxic waste carries a 15 year prison sentence?” The “Policeman” inspected his signature, read him his rights and handcuffed him to the railing. As my dull colleagues stared on, the Policeman performed a strip tease, gyrating on the prone Managing Director and pulling his trousers down.

At this point a genuine Police car pulled up to see about this commotion. My actors fled. The genuine Policeman approached the MD handcuffed to the railing. “’Ello ‘ello ‘ello, what’s all this then?”

I whispered to the Policeman that the MD was a known sexual deviant and he was promptly arrested.

Next Monday: How to pretend you like your Manager

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

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