How to survive January in the job you hate?


**** Warning this post is hilarious and just for laughs. DO NOT TAKE AS FACTUAL ADVICE ****

January is a month-long hangover from hell, and paracetamol won’t help. Xmas and New Year celebrations have decimated the overdraft you said you wouldn’t use. You need a new job or a pay-rise.

I can’t face the trauma of dealing with a recruitment agency in order to get another job I’ll hate and probably get sacked from. I need a meaty pay-rise and January is usually the month when pay reviews are carried out. You should have verbally asked your Manager for a pay-rise 2 months ago to plant the seed. He will have then dragged his feet to delay talks of this until January. Hit him with a bold email early January making your demands known.

I’d verbally asked for a £5k pay-rise, which was ignored for over 2 months. I bumped this up to £6k as he’d made me repeat myself, which I’m not fond of. Take charge of this exchange by referring to your Manager by only using his surname “Listen and listen well Rodgers”. I ended my email by saying “I’m devastating in interviews and will find another sales job with ease. This is not a bluff Rodgers” I claimed, bluffing.

You should have been sending Managers of other departments vague tips and leads for several months, with the decision-making Manager CC’d in. Talk up this “team-player mentality”. I went as far as calling myself a “captain”.

Make extremely generous predictions on how lucrative and effective you will be over the coming year. Don’t underestimate how effective your Manager’s laziness will be in getting a pay-rise as he’ll be reluctant to recruit and train your replacement. The aim is to get this pay-rise signed off by the end of January before they realise your predictions will never materialise. But don’t feel bad, after all how many false promises have they stung you with?

Give your Manager a deadline of the end of the month to get your pay-rise confirmed. Include your resignation letter, and forward date this to the end of the month so he knows you mean business. In case he calls your bluff and accepts this resignation letter, you should have signed it with his name. That should baffle the old jobsworth.

Start the year with a bold power-play to get what you deserve. Bluff hard and bluff well people. Do share your thoughts and tales on my Twitter page @Stocks1986.

Next Monday: Why you shouldn’t get promoted from the job you hate

Written by Martin Stocks

Tweet me at @Stocks1986

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