How to withstand the cross examination

*** The content within this post is for comedy value only! Sorry to all those looking for a legal loophole***


“I can only give you five minutes today, I’ve some minor errands to run”, I told the little devil cross-examining me. The judge, jury and spectators had become accustomed, and unless I’m very much mistaken, quite fond of my little quips.

The battle axe lawyer’s incessant pained grimace reminded me of the perpetually frozen expressions of horror on the victims of Pompei. I told her that to the amusement of the spectators and most of the jury. I could see why she got on with her decrepit client.

My days of poorly paid office work had left me no stranger to adversarial exchanges with people I was supposed to respect but didn’t. I thrived off them and I’d sorely missed these amusing exchanges since dispatching my former Manager. “Remind me of the question again old girl,” I jested, before interrupting her with an anecdote about my falconry class.

I sensed my ambivalent attitude was irking three of the jury who I had immediately recognised as jobsworths. I played it straight for a while, faking a nice dose of sincerity and a crocodile tear or two. Whilst recounting the ‘horror’ of the murder scene I inexplicably broke into a grin, which took some explaining and led to a lot more questions.

I managed to mask a follow up grin when I remembered that I had managed to avoid doing my staffs’ appraisals again. They’d been waiting over a month and I saw them waiting for the foreseeable future.

“No more questions please”, I told the lawyer as my stretched limo was waiting outside.

The trial continues next Monday.

The previous series can be read here.

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986 


If you’re not happy about the General Election result watch Martin’s interviews with filmmaker Ken Loach and The Green Party for some inspiration. Or read an article on his interview with Ken Loach.