How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hate


*** This Article is not advice and is just for laughs ***

Don’t appear over enthusiastic to be at work. I’ve never had this problem. I like to give off an air of indifference and contempt for my job and company. This makes my vaguely successful results all the more impressive. “Just imagine how much I could achieve if you motivated me” is the gauntlet I’m laying down to my Manager. In truth he’d find it easier to motivate Hugh Heffner to join a monastery. 


On my way back from my fraudulent toilet breaks I ascend the stairs as slowly as possible. As I reach the office door I burst through, stride to my desk and start typing furiously. Sometimes I deliberately jam the door first and shoulder barge it open desperately. I pretend I’m angry my weak bladder distracted me from my workload. It was in fact my weak work ethic.


In day long team meetings I ask a question every 30 minutes to hide that I’m musing on whether my Manager looks more like a Warthog or a Walrus. I’m leaning towards Walrus but his apple guzzling is very Warthog-esque. Ask a closed question to avoid a long answer. “What’s the lead time on that?” is a personal favourite. It stresses an urgent dedication to my customers, which I simply don’t have.


Perform 3 duties a week which are outside your job description. CC your Managers into emails drawing attention to this. Stress how you value sharing information between departments. Share misinformation instead as you don’t want other departments outshining you. Bring them down to your level and then throw in a genuine lead and proclaim yourself the saviour of the company.


I often don’t have the energy to respond to customers on the phone. I simply stop speaking and wait for them to hang up. Within earshot of Management I then loudly ask other departments about their targets and if I can do anything to help. I then do absolutely nothing to help.


Next Monday: How to let HR know you’re not to be trifled with


Written by Martin Stocks.

Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or

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