How to look busy whilst doing nothing

I’ve taken to looking out of the window to try to ease my boredom. However, I only have a skip to look at, which intensifies my despair.

I’ve started making lists, as intermittent noting looks productive. I’m listing every film I’ve ever seen, which is into its 17th page now. An occasional empty work statement helps cover up my actions. “Price is one of our USP’s isn’t it?” I add Skyfall to my list. I consider adding it twice as I enjoyed it so much, but that would just be a waste of time.

Yesterday I kept a tally chart of how many times the Customer Service Supervisor sighed, tutted and kissed her teeth. 72 sighs, 9 tuts and 5 teeth kisses- in case you’re wondering. 86 offensive noises in one day! I work out that in the last 2 years I’ve heard over 40,000 of these noises. I swivel in my chair cackling at the absurdity of this, with an ever loosening grasp on sanity.

I put most efforts into faking busyness for the ten minutes before my Manager goes on lunch and the seconds before he returns. I learn to recognise his footsteps and re-start my workaholic act just before his return so it seems like I’ve been working constantly for the last hour. In truth I’ve been hiding in the toilet or distracting my colleagues.

Personal emails or writings should be drafted in outlook so it seems like a work email. Personal phone calls should be disguised with an occasional “I’ll get that over to you right away” so it seems like a customer.

I dab water on my brow and add to my film list so energetically that my Manager suggests I take a short break. I decide to take a long break instead, as I’ve worked so hard today.