How to win round the jury

*Hate your job? Then laugh with this week’s Hate Manager*

Hello juror number 4 with your beady little eyes. Why don’t you like me? You haven’t laughed at any of my witticisms, nor did you react when I faked tears. You also seem somewhat of a ringleader amongst the more serious of the jury. You will need dealing with juror number 4.

I persuaded a court usher to monitor her, who told me she was a coffee addict. Bingo! I broke into the court’s cupboard, procured overalls and a wheelie trolley and set about removing every vending machine. I donned a chirpy cockney persona, bantering with passers-by and affecting a limp to flesh out my character.

I realised a simple ‘out of use’ sign would have sufficed, but I was having too much fun. I added an ‘out of use’ sign to the lift for good measure. “Up the apple and pears for you geez”, I said to the judge, who didn’t recognise me.

Back in the court room I watched my nemesis juror, sure enough the fidgeting soon began. She looked less composed, shaky and distracted. Caffeine withdrawal… A jobsworth kryptonite! Earlier I’d replaced the light near her with a mood bulb.

My masterstroke was drafting in a character witness famed for his monotone voice. One rambling answer and she was out like a light. I raised the judge’s attention to her and made a ‘drinking’ gesture and she was promptly removed from court.

“She’s had a little-bo-peep”, I said, slipping back into my cockney persona and limping out of court early. I’d achieved enough for one day.


Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

The trial continues next Monday.

The previous series can be read here.


Watch Martin’s interviews with filmmaker Ken Loach and The Green Party.