I couldn’t believe it, the shame. I was just sat in the toilet minding me own business having a tinkle when they started knocking on the door telling me to get out. I say, “I’m having a piss I can’t”. They say, “We know what you’re doing in there, open the door right NOW.” So I open the door and these three meat heads in bizzzie uniform are standing there. The one in the middle is this butch lezzer and she grabs me and pulls me out and into the pub in front of all me customers and me manager.
Then they threw me into the back of the police van and tell me to strip. I say I haven’t shaved me legs no way. One of the bizzies was quite fit too – there was no way I’m getting me hairy twinkle out in front of him. They say if I don’t they’d take me down to the station and put me on a caution.
So I take off me apron and me shoes and they all just stare at me like I’m some snidey animal in the zoo. I say, “I knew we had some customers who kept going the toilet all night but I work at the bar, I wasn’t doing nothing.” The fit bizzy tells me to keep undressing. So I start taking off me trousers but it takes ages – me leg stubble was gripping on like Velcro. Then I pull off me black top and I’m just in me bra and knickers. “See nothing” I said.
“All of your clothes” the one who hasn’t spoke yet says. He looks like Niles from Frasier. “Are you messing?” I say. “No” they say all at once. So I take off me knickers first and the twinkle’s out. Devastating! But they tell me to keep going. So I take off me bra too. So I’m just stood there like a tit with me tits out and me hairy twinkle, the shame.
“Thank you, you can put your clothes back on,” the lezzer says. “Sorry about this” the fit one says. “Been lots of illegal activity in them toilets you see. We just confiscated 2 grams from three lads,” he says, nodding at a bag by me clothes. I get changed and Niles from Frasier opens the door and the fit one helps me out. “Sorry again” fitty says. “It’s alright mate, no worries lad” I say, “Just doing yer job aren’t yer.” They drive off and I go back into work.
Everyone starts laughing and clapping as soon as I get in. “They didn’t find any then?” me boss says. “Cheeky bastard” I say, “I never had none.” It’s true I didn’t. Well, not then. Now I did. Stole it from the soft shites when I was getting changed. Cheapest two grams I ever had.
Written by Gareth Brown @GarethBrown26