How to fake a witness statement

*** Remember this is not advice and only comedy ***


In my previous role I faked heart attacks, enthusiasm and general contempt for my colleagues. How hard could a witness statement be? After all I knew the details as I’d committed the ghastly act.

A lie mixed up in the truth is the most delicious lie of all. I merely recounted my actions on that murderous night but substituted my name for that of the former Customer Service Supervisor. I had to embellish it somewhat but I’d lain the ground work months earlier. Tasty little nuggets of damning, and largely faked evidence implicating the nefarious spinster.

I merely had to stick to this script and I’d be home and dry. But I haven’t got where I am today by sticking to scripts, no sir. I ad-libbed tales of her jealousy and described her unprovoked rage towards me on numerous occasions. Truth be told every occasion was heavily provoked, particularly the time I threw a halibut at her for no good reason. I was having fun but I needed to remember my lies for they could hang me during further cross examinations.

The problem was my short-term memory was limited due to the addiction to prescription painkillers I’d developed to endure my job. Hey ho- fortune favours the brave. I decided to live off my wits during the trial and explain away any inaccuracies as part of the trauma of witnessing such a heinous crime. Yes! “Brilliant”, I blurted out, accidentally grinning at the two Police Officers taking notes.

“Brilliant, that this ordeal will soon be over”, I explained to them, before nearly grinning again at my quick wits. I really needed to stop grinning. But I was having so much fun.

The trial continues next Monday.

The previous series can be read here.

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

If you’re not happy about the General Election result watch Martin’s interviews with filmmaker Ken Loach and The Green Party for some inspiration. Or read an article on his interview with Ken Loach.