How to Avoid Phonecalls in the job you hate


*** Warning this just for laughs ***

Every day my Manager asks what new businesses will order and how many calls I’ll make. The truth of very few on both counts seems to displease him.  


I reluctantly agree to make 25 calls a day, although I don’t particularly enjoy being on the phone. As a Telephone Account Manager I feel I may be in the wrong job. When questioned on how few calls I make I retorted “I see myself more as an ideas man”. My Manager said he saw me as a Telephone Account Manager as my job title suggested. I asked if he’d like to change my job title to “Ideas Man”. He didn’t respond.


Management has started running reports on how many calls I make, to scare me into making them more money. These cats have already grown fat from the milk that my udders produce. Like a litter of greedy kittens suckling their mother with no consideration of her sore nipples.


Paid a pittance and with unrealistic commission targets, I don’t want to give Management any more milk. I use their totalitarian call monitoring systems against them. After ruthlessly haggling to get the daily call number as low as possible- I then fake this number of calls. I call customers like leisure centres, listen to their automated options for a minute and then hang up without speaking to anyone. I do this over 20 times a day.  Another technique is to call customers I know are on holiday. “Can’t get through to anyone today”, I shout. I call another customer I think isn’t in, but he answers! I go silent until he hangs up.


This technique eliminates time wasted finding leads and frees up time for writing my blog, scripts and job applications. Whilst writing for any length of time I occasionally ask my Manager a question so it seems like a work email. If under pressure to get on the phone write something on a post-it note and wander the building aimlessly. Nothing makes you seem busier than holding a post-it note.


My Manager praised me on a high number of calls yesterday. I thanked him, and immediately called Mr Bradbury, as he’s currently on long term sick leave.


Next Monday: How to overcome boredom in the job you hate


Written by Martin Stocks

Tweet me @Stocks1986-


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