How to bully the manager who is bullying you!

**** WARNING, THIS POST IS HILARIOUS **** This is just for laughs and not advice

When your Manager makes a point, take notes, nod enthusiastically and then flatly disagree with him. You’ve complimented and excited him before leaving him disappointed and humiliated. A classic one night stand.

My Manager stomps through the office, eats my biscuits without asking and repeatedly barks “what’s going on?” He tops this with a disgusting “Uh, uh” noise, like a walrus being molested. The only thing worse than this noise is the “come on” he says as though speaking to a dog. I want to bark and piss on his leg but I don’t.

I curl into a ball and absorb his passive-aggressive pokes, prods and kicks. I wait until he has drawn an audience to watch and then I hit him with a sucker-punch. Meetings are an excellent venue to dish up his punishment. As your Manager speaks raise your index figure at him like a cricket umpire until he becomes unnerved. Pompously exclaim “incorrect” whilst waggling your finger at him. This word is kryptonite to control freak Managers. The lower your position in the company, the more he will be thrown by this technique.

He stands over me as he rudely thumbs through my paperwork. He places his coffee on my desk. I immediately take a gulp and spit it onto his feet. “You know I don’t like sugar!” Make your desk such a hostile environment that he no longer stops by for a threatening chat… Oh, and keep a banana within reach.

When he demands you do something for him, turn to your desk urgently. Pick up your banana, turn back to face him and slowly peel this. Maintain eye contact and grin at him as you sink your teeth into this banana. Stare at him without blinking as you eat the whole thing.

As your nosy colleagues gawp at you, hand him the peel and very politely say “I’m too busy I’m afraid.”

Next Monday: How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hate

Written by Martin Stocks.

Follow Martin on Twitter @Stocks1986 or https://twitter.com/Stocks1986

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