How to exploit the recruitment agency who’s exploiting you
*** This Post is Just for fun, it should not be taken as advice***
After applying for a job you will be contacted by some vacuous recruitment consultant who you have to befriend and be interviewed by. All so you can be interviewed by the actual company you applied for.
The recruitment industry is a parasitic tapeworm and this needless middle-man burrows deep under your skin. “Those who can’t, teach?” Incorrect, they recruit. People with such a lack of interest or talent for any industry they decide simply to feed off the everyman who’s struggling to find work.
These lifeless beings will trick you into moving into a job you’ll hate so they can make their commission from your blood, sweat and tears. I was berated at length by a recruitment consultant for my lack of passion and energy for telesales. No one should be passionate about telesales. It’s an area only slightly less crushing and parasitic than recruitment, I told her.
Having to expend what little energy I have for sales on some drone recruitment consultant leaves me with nothing left for the actual interview. My advice would be to use your best egotistical bullshit on the initial telephone interview with the consultant. Avoid meeting them in person by telling them you “have some minor errands to run”. Demand they put you forward for the final interview and tell them “to be quick about it”.
Play them at their own game by saying empty, meaningless sound-bites with conviction. “Am I good at sales? Last quarter’s revenue figures certainly suggest so”. Laugh arrogantly at how effortless it all is to you. A phrase they love is “My record shows I’m extremely effective!” The best bit is they can’t check your record.
End your conversation by saying “Listen and listen well. Your industry shouldn’t exist and I shouldn’t have to deal with mosquitoes like yourself. I naturally excel at sales and am devastating in interviews. Put me forward for the interview or a different recruitment agency can make the commission instead.”
Her phone signal went at this point unfortunately.
Next Monday: How to antagonise the entire company
Tweet me @stocks1986
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