Somewhere In Between It All
As with most, if not all, things within this life, a median of moderation is an extremely important thing. Often a thing isn’t so bad for as the amount of time with which we interact with said thing so, those of us aware of this notion, spend a great deal of time attempting to find the middle ground and solidify that as our equilibrium. It is seldom easy and from time to time, we sway too far in either direction like the strained branches of a sky yearning tree but when we do find it, oh how wonderful it can be. The tricky part comes when the thing with which we need to find a middle ground can be a little more subjective than something steeped in cold, hard, black and white fact. As somebody playing an integral role in raising a child, I find myself riddled with more questions than my already over-inquisitive mind naturally had just a few short years ago; and because he is not with me all the time, I think I find myself questioning and analysing perhaps more than I would if circumstances were different, because it is something like living in a series of polaroid snapshots. There is this almost incessant need to make a big enough impact to last until the next time you see the child because you know that there are x amount of days between now and then. This is a dangerous way to think and I believe this is how a lot of parents, who are on either side of the joint custody scale, end up “overcompensating” and ultimately losing that well needed median.
I am an avid believer that a child should be allowed to roam free, exploring the world and finding out who and what they are while fleshing out depths of their being, to learn what gets them going, what they are really passionate about, what they believe, desire and hope for in this world. Simultaneously, it is important for a child to have guidance, somebody to hold their hand, someone to stand by their side and have their back, someone who has experience filled with wisdom they can share, someone who can teach them about the things they need to know and help them up when they fall until they are able to stand on their own. But where is the line in the sand between the two? Can one ever be sure where “too much” freedom has been allowed or “too much” handholding has taken place until it is “too late”? It’s a scary thought because this is a single shot, one take, no rehearsals or do-over existence we lead. Sure, moments arise where we are lucky enough to get a second chance at a couple things but they are few and far between. And this is where the real problem begins. That subjective nature, the fact that it boils down to perspective and perception, really means that the middle ground you searching for can seemingly be somewhere in the realms of a shimmering, sweltering desert mirage.
I’ve been thinking about this more lately because I was talking to my brother about how much I hate the gendering of children. It simply agitates and sometimes enrages me when I see people burdening the young minds of our future with such utter sexist bullshit as whether or not they can play with a certain thing because “it is for girls” when they are a boy or vice versa. The crux of the matter is, you as the parent are placing upon them your own bias and effectively creating a belief within the child that need not exist. Boys can play with dolls and dress up as fairies with tutus if they want to just as much as girls can play with cars and dress up as ninjas but on many occasion I have seen adults telling a child they cannot do one of these things because it is for boys or girls. It is not for boys or girls, it is for whosoever wants to engage with it and regardless of what you think, letting your boy child play with dolls is not going to make him gay any more than letting your girl child play with cars is going to make her gay. At the heart of the issue, irrespective of how much you tell yourself you are doing it for them so that they don’t get bullied or ridiculed, it has a whole lot more to do with you and the fact that you do not want to either be embarrassed by what people think about your child or embarrassed by what your child does. Think about it, how much of what you teach a child is riddled with your own fears and dislikes while being wrapped up in your thoughts and feelings regarding the way you have been affected or treated by the world around you? And this, in no way, is said to suggest that bullying isn’t a very real issue but the fact is, teaching your child to shy away from individuality is not the answer because the reality is, if your child is comfortable in their own skin it becomes impossible to bully them. And you can help make them comfortable in their own skin by giving them the scope and freedom to explore who they are, to find and become who they want to be not who you think they “should” be.
This is actually why, as odd as it may sound, my ideal woman is someone who has children of her own already – or at the very least, works with them – because it gives me an opportunity to see how she is as a parent and gauge whether or not I am comfortable with her being a part of my child’s life. It permits me a slight foresight into whether or not we are going to clash in a negative way as parents, should our stars align in that way. I know that I am not perfect, and in actual fact, I am very terrified that I will fail as a parent and ultimately end up repeating the mistakes my parents made but, in an ideal world, parenthood is a partnership. I want to know that someone can be there and be strong where I may be weak, stand firm where I may falter and that ultimately they will be the best person for the children because the fact is, no child asks to be in this world. It is us who stand tall with our pumped up chests filled with such unadulterated hubris as we decide we are fit to be parents, worthy of creating life and we yank these little ones into existence and then shunt them out into the world; so it is our responsibility to be responsible for them. I think, when it is all said and done, the best way to find that middle ground is to guide your child by letting them guide you. If you give them the freedom to explore, think and learn for themselves while you stand by their side and help them where necessary, it becomes easier to find an equilibrium worth holding onto.
Children need to know three things in this world:
1. You are loved.
2. It is more than ok to be different, so be who you want to be.
3. Dream big, dream out loud.
With these three things heavily etched into the fibres of their hearts and cradling the entirety of their minds, everything else will fall into place and you will find yourself deeply routed in the depths of being somewhere in between it all. Ultimately, we must help them acquire the tools, drive and fortitude to soar sky-high, to be more than we were and be all that they want to be. We owe that much.
Jack.
