How to get put on gardening leave

*** Not advice just something to make you laugh on a Monday ***

Having resigned I decided I didn’t want to work my notice month. I sat with my arms crossed for the entire afternoon to give them an idea of my work ethic for the upcoming month.

“Imagine if an employee were to steal our customer’s data”, I said to my Manager. I treated myself to an extra-long toilet break to let this fester on him. I returned and said “One could merely print screen our database and email it to a rival company for a small fee…” I roamed the building in search of stimulating conversation.

Finding none I returned to my desk. I peeled off the bell that I’d taped to the Customer Service Supervisor and attached this to the Managing Director. I then followed him closely around the building, blowing on the back of his neck. I told a client he’d threatened to sack me if I didn’t cool his neck down. Whilst he denied this, I snuck into his office, stole his pot plants and filled his cup with cement.

“Have you cemented my cup again?” I didn’t answer and started blowing his neck once more. “A month’s a long time isn’t it?” He grabbed his pot plants from my desk and stormed back into his office. On his lunch break I cemented over his keyboard and wrote on the wet cement “gardening leave?”

I called in a landscape gardener and had his office floor turfed. On his return from lunch he found me mowing the lawn, laughing manically. He finally offered me “gardening leave”, but I refused it as I was having so much fun.

I was enjoying myself so much, that I also retracted my resignation.

Next Monday: How to maintain sanity in the job you hate

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Martin runs our collaborative story High Society. Read our latest piece here.

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