Arts

Yoga in the Park (Warning text of explicit nature)

Man Meditating on a Rock at the BeachI was just doing a power yoga workout in the park. Towards the end of it I saw a young tubby Indian guy, about 24, dressed in a massive hoody and baggy shorts, walking up to me.

 “Man, you are hench!” He said in an east London accent. 

“sorry?”

“You are hench!”

“what’s hench?!”

“Ripped. Cut. Jesus.”

“Oh. Haha, thanks.”

“Man, how do you get like that?” 

“Oh. yoga…” 

“Yeah man, like chi and sh.t?”

“haha, yeah.” 

I notice he’s got a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand.

“Just, yoga really”

“Yoga?! You get like that doing yoga? Man, I used to box professionally. Amir Kaan’s my cousin. He made it, I didn’t. Now I’m just a fat boy from East London, know what I mean? Look, I’ve just got a pair of tits.”

He pulls up his top and shows me.

“Look that that. Look at my gut. Man you are ripped. You really got like that doing yoga?”

 He then shows me a fake diamond ring on his finger. It’s got cheap silver and a blue stone in the middle.

 “I bought this about two years ago for four hundred quid. Now I’m looking for a shop to sell it. You really got like that doing yoga?”

“Well I used to box.”

“Yeah, looks like it. Man, you could knock me the fuck out, I’m telling you. How do I become like you?”

“Um, well I teach yoga, so you can come to my classes if you like?”

“Yeah, man. I wanna get ripped.  Do you have a card?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks man. How much are your classes?” 

“Ten pounds.” 

“That’s okay. I won’t lie, I am a little high right now, but I’m gonna ring you next week. Man you know what you could go up to any chick in this park and be like ‘hey ladies, what’s up yo?!’ I’m telling you, man. With that body, a white boy with that body, that is hot right now, I’m telling you!”

“I’m not sure it’s my style to do that.”

“anyway man, I’m off.”

“Nice to meet you, what’s your name?

“Ali.”

“I’m Harry.”

“I’ll be in touch man.” 

I go back to not quite doing handstands. 

 Four nights later I get a text message which reads: 

 

‘Hey hunk how you dnt knw if you remember me hyde park was wondering if you would wanna teach me yoga an rock my boat with your s.xy pecks. would love 4 u to bend me ova an f.ck me hard. can we arrange a date hun x i’ll massage u afta. x ‘ 

 

and then ten minutes later 

 

‘so you gonna teach me I wanna suck your jigantic c.ck til u cum n me. x ‘

 

As my friend Jeremy Said: 

 

‘i love that the metaphor of “rock my boat” isn’t sufficient in his mind to convey his intentions.  He immediately clarifies that by rock his boat he means “f### me hard.”  Thanks, Einstein.  I was confused but now I get it!  You don’t actually want to go boating at all!!’ 

 

Readers will be pleased to know that two years on I have just done Yoga in the park without the above occurring again!

Harry