How to break the silence in your office
Whenever I’m in an uncomfortably silent environment I feel compelled to make lots of noise and behave very inappropriately. My office is completely silent…until I kick into action.
I feed off My Manager’s disapproving expression as I become increasingly unruly. I asked a customer (Mr Williams) if he was any relation to Kenneth Williams from the Carry On Films. “Oooh Matron”, I loudly impersonated him. For some reason my little finger crept into the corner of my mouth like Dr Evil and I then impersonated him as well. My customer enjoyed these impressions and my Manager did not. Win win.
Give yourself a round of applause whenever you complete a task. Crank this up to a standing ovation for the more minor achievements like tying your shoe lace. Get others to join in. In my last job we had a minute of applause whenever the Manager left the office. This sense of community and humour doesn’t exist here. I act alone.
I operate a campaign of verbose annoyance. With a loudly offensive, made-up Northern accent I distract people on phone calls by shouting unnecessary questions at them. “Eh, what’s more red, a raspberry or a beetroot?!” Sometimes I shout encouragement at them like a deranged football coach. “That’s the way Johnson. Yeah keep on talking. Close the deal!”
If brought into a disciplinary meeting about this, claim you have a duty to transfer your passion and enthusiasm onto your colleagues. Eventually promise your Managers that you will rein it in. Walk out of the office silently, head bowed down in embarrassment… Then bellow out of the window.
Next Monday: How to hide that you’re looking for other jobs
Previous Posts
How to avoid conversations with Management
How to tunnel out of your office
How to stop nosy colleagues looking at your screen
How to antagonise the entire company
How to exploit recruitment companies
How to overcome boredom in the job you hate
How to avoid phone calls in the job you hate
How to sabotage a client visit
How to defeat the office seating plan
How to manage a hangover in the job you hate
Why you shouldn’t get promoted from the job you hate
How to survive January in the job you hate
How to survive the Christmas party
How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate
How to get away with fraudulent sick days
How to get away with calamitous mistakes
How to uses your Manager’s jargon against him
How to let HR know you’re not to be trifled with
How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hate
How to bully the Manager who’s bullying you
How to tolerate the colleagues you hate
How to nail an appeal letter after being sacked from the job you hate
How to make a disastrous impression on your new Manager
How to antagonize the customer you’ve already antagonized
How to get away with bellowing at your Manager
How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate
How to find and expose snakes in the office
