How to break the silence in your office


Whenever I’m in an uncomfortably silent environment I feel compelled to make lots of noise and behave very inappropriately. My office is completely silent…until I kick into action.

I feed off My Manager’s disapproving expression as I become increasingly unruly. I asked a customer (Mr Williams) if he was any relation to Kenneth Williams from the Carry On Films. “Oooh Matron”, I loudly impersonated him. For some reason my little finger crept into the corner of my mouth like Dr Evil and I then impersonated him as well. My customer enjoyed these impressions and my Manager did not. Win win.

Give yourself a round of applause whenever you complete a task. Crank this up to a standing ovation for the more minor achievements like tying your shoe lace. Get others to join in. In my last job we had a minute of applause whenever the Manager left the office. This sense of community and humour doesn’t exist here. I act alone.

I operate a campaign of verbose annoyance. With a loudly offensive, made-up Northern accent I distract people on phone calls by shouting unnecessary questions at them. “Eh, what’s more red, a raspberry or a beetroot?!” Sometimes I shout encouragement at them like a deranged football coach. “That’s the way Johnson. Yeah keep on talking. Close the deal!”

If brought into a disciplinary meeting about this, claim you have a duty to transfer your passion and enthusiasm onto your colleagues. Eventually promise your Managers that you will rein it in. Walk out of the office silently, head bowed down in embarrassment… Then bellow out of the window.


Next Monday: How to hide that you’re looking for other jobs

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