Open Letter to David Cameron

Dear David Cameron.

I remember your open condemnation of Jimmy Carr’s tax avoidance. What on earth did you say to Lord Astor, your wife’s step-father, when he tried to block legislation so he wouldn’t have to pay tax? That must have riled you right up.

I hope it didn’t make you cough up the white truffles you were forcing into your adorably shiny, little face. How do you get your face so shiny? Do you polish it? I’m getting off topic. What did you say to Lord Astor? Did you swear at him? I know how passionate you are about tackling tax avoidance.

People criticise you for not closing down any of the tax loopholes that Britain’s richest and most powerful have been exploiting for years. Or even voicing any notable opposition to big businesses like Starbucks, Google and Facebook who deem tax something only the working-class masses should pay. “Cut him some slack”, I shout at them Davey, “Many of these bosses are probably childhood friends from Eton.” It’s always awkward asking friends for money so I, for one, fully understand why you haven’t done so.

And ignore the words of esteemed playwright David Hare that getting you out of office “is a patriotic duty for every citizen.’ If all 64.1million British citizens tried to enter 10 Downing Street to remove you at the same time it would be chaos. They wouldn’t all fit inside as I imagine it’s quite meagre. You wouldn’t feel comfortable living in an unnecessarily grandiose house that the British public are paying for. Also, if your question avoidance skills are anything to go by, I bet you could wriggle away from them. And if you couldn’t, I doubt they’d be able to grasp you firmly due to the shiny polish of your skin. This polishing habit of yours really is an inspired move Davey- don’t stop!

Also ignore the reports that if you lose todays Rochester by-election there will be a challenge to your leadership from your Conservative colleagues. Traitors! They would fail Davey- I know they would. You would dismantle them with the speed and ruthlessness that you’re dismantling our NHS and public services with. Your charisma would also blow them away. I hear at some of your speeches the audience are so impressed they give you a slow handclap throughout.

You remind me of the hero in 1984 ‘Big Brother’. The way you’ve managed to keep the working-class masses underpaid, under-employed and so disillusioned with politics that most won’t even bother to vote. Also Davey, restricting their knowledge through cutting services like local libraries, an inspired move.

Ignore the widespread criticism, the defectors to UKIP, the party in-fighting and the general sense of angst throughout the country. What can you do about it? You’re just a man. Albeit a very shiny man.

Keep up the good work Davey!

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Read Martin’s comedic blog ‘How to Man-Manage your Manager in a job you hate.’