How to avoid murdering your manager

Hate Manager

I stare at my greedy, walrus of a Manager and wonder whether today will be the day where I snap. I’ve worked through several stress balls, regularly take prescription painkillers and shout into the sink. These no longer stifle my rage.

He stands behind me, looking at my screen and leaning on my chair. I swivel quickly to send him to the floor. This gives me a fleeting pleasure but my anger soon returns. I think of his greed to deny me the pay rise I was promised and instead offer me a £360 pay rise.

I walk the corridors, kicking the walls and pass my Manager, who asks if I’ll hit target this quarter. I ask if he’ll give me a proper pay rise this quarter. I imagine how I’d dispose of such an obese body. I’d definitely need a trolley to move it. I plan the logistics of his murder with an attention to detail that was flagged as sorely lacking in my recent appraisal.

I put my murderous plans on ice and have one more attempt at working hard. Sadly this only lasts one phone call where I become verbally abusive to a customer and tell him never to call again. I sign off with a colleague’s name and break my receiver slamming it down. My Manager times his passive aggressive banter poorly. “Uh Uh, start selling,” the obese moron states. I stare at him with growing insanity and growl.

The Customer Service Supervisor starts her awful tutting and I decide that I must dispose of them both.

Final piece next Monday: How to get away with murder

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Martin runs our collaborative story High Society. Read our latest piece here.

Previous Posts

How to maintain sanity in the job you hate

How to get put on gardening leave

How to survive a pep talk from your Manager

How to pretend you like your Manager

How to close down your company

How to pretend you believe your Manager’s lies

How to look busy whilst doing nothing

How to hide you’re applying for others jobs

How to break the silence in your office

How to avoid conversations with Management

How to tunnel out of your office

How to stop nosy colleagues looking at your screen

How to antagonise the entire company

How to exploit recruitment companies

How to overcome boredom in the job you hate

How to avoid phone calls in the job you hate

How to sabotage a client visit

How to defeat the office seating plan

How to manage a hangover in the job you hate

Why you shouldn’t get promoted from the job you hate

How to survive January in the job you hate

How to survive the Christmas party

How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate

How to get away with fraudulent sick days

How to get away with calamitous mistakes

How to uses your Manager’s jargon against him

How to let HR know you’re not to be trifled with

How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hate

How to bully the Manager who’s bullying you

How to tolerate the colleagues you hate

How to nail an appeal letter after being sacked from the job you hate

How to make a disastrous impression on your new Manager

How to antagonize the customer you’ve already antagonized

How to get away with bellowing at your Manager

How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate

How to find and expose snakes in the office