How to pretend you believe your Manager’s lies

Managers are pathological liars. Most have been lying for so long they don’t even realise they’re lying. You mustn’t let them know you see through them… It’s just as well that I’m also a pathological liar.

In my interview I lied about:

1. Planning to stay here for years.

2. Being sacked from my previous job.

3. Making up a job on my CV.

I put the liar into liability and can sniff out a lie and counter with a better lie. I do not let my Manager know I have this skill. I hint that I’m gullible and patient, although I’m neither. He licks his lips thinking about how long he will be able to fob me off about pay rises and promotions. I lull him into this false sense of security and allow him to palm off his workload onto me.

I wait until he’s completely reliant on me, when he has a presentation to give, which I’ve written. I drag my feet as he has been doing about my pay rise. I delay giving him this “as I’m concerned what this heavy wind will do to my vegetable patch”. I leave the room muttering “damn courgettes”.

My Manager tells me he’s been talking me up to Senior Management. I doubt this is true and this is a common lie middle managers tell their underlings. I leave my Manager, Mr Baxter, to stew a little longer. He seeks me out in the kitchen and demands this presentation. I grin and tell him I’ve included a series of deliberate errors, which will make his position untenable when he presents this. He stammers, realising I’ve been playing him all along. “You’ve underestimated me Baxter”, I say, dropping the Mr prefix to show I’m now in charge.

I make Baxter call the MD to recommend me for a hefty pay rise. After this has been done I email Baxter the presentation without the mistakes in. I do include pictures of kittens on some slides, which makes him look very silly indeed.

Next Monday: How to close down the company you hate

Written by Martin Stocks | @Stocks1986

Read more of our comedy blogs by Martin by clicking the links below. Laughter is good for the soul

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