How to tunnel out of the office you hate

I’ve decided to tunnel out of this office. On my Manager’s lunch break I lift up their “principles of sales” poster and start chiselling away the paint and plaster with my biro.

The scraping sounds are mainly drowned out by the sighs and tutts from decrepit Customer Service Supervisor. For once I welcome these awful noises. I throw a ruler at her to provoke further noises. She leaves the office to report me to the Management. I jab my biro into the wall and scrape out large sections of plaster. I decide I need power tools.

As my Manager returns, I replace the poster and kick the rubble under a colleague’s desk. I sit sweating from my exertions. I tell my Manager that I’m feeling faint and ask him to get me a glass of water. I quickly continue my tunnel for another minute. “He’s tunnelling out”, I hear a colleague whisper.

I arrive early the following day and distract nearby builders with an impromptu magic performance- and steal their drill and tools. Now tooled up, I’m dismayed to see the Customer Service Supervisor is also in early. I throw stationery at her until she leaves. I make a note that I must email the HR Manager to order me more stationery supplies. Now alone I rip the poster off and drill a series of holes in the wall. I hammer these with a chisel and cackle as my tunnel out of here begins to form. I fill the filling cabinet with rubble and replace the poster as my Manager enters.

I receive a formal disciplinary for throwing objects at the Customer Service Supervisor. I chuckle and am told it’s not a laughing matter. I remind the HR Manager to order in my stationery urgently. Whilst the Managers are in the meeting room discussing me, I return to my tunnel. Now down to the bricks I chisel away at the cement between them. I can feel the bricks loosening slightly.

I must be quick as I may be about to be sacked. I steal an umbrella and distract the same builders with a song and dance rendition of singing in the rain. Whilst they applaud, I steal their sledge hammer. The Managers are now out and head up the stairs. I crash the sledge hammer down on my Managers windscreen, setting off his alarm and drawing them outside. Back inside, I smash through the wall with my sledge hammer.

I thrust myself through the hole and look around in disbelief. My calculations were incorrect and I’ve tunnelled into the Managing Director’s office! I quickly rearrange the entire room, replace the poster and join the gathering around my Managers car.

Next Monday: How to avoid conversations with the Manager you hate

Written by Martin Stocks

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