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How to survive the Christmas party
**** This is not advice and the information is purely for entertainment purposes only **** Office parties are a hilarious opportunity to wreak havoc amongst your usually reserved colleagues. At the Christmas party I got my former Manager so drunk that he threw a drink in a woman’s face and screamed “I don’t apologise on a Friday!” I alluded to this whenever he complained about my conduct. The aim is to encourage and provoke this type of behaviour from your Managers, whilst sitting back and watching the carnage unfurl. This can be a wild-card to use to delay your dismissal.…
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Customer Loyalty
With the Retail industry in recovery, building customer loyalty has never been so important. With money still tight, building customer loyalty is the only proven way to compete with rivals without having to forfeit revenue. Loyalty to a business or brand results in customers willing to put up with a less-attractive location or a higher price, but still wanting the particular experience encountered before. Gathering constant customer feedback to make sure the needs of the customer are being met will ensure loyalty remains strong. Loyalty programmes can be developed from this feedback, which is important, but there does seem to…
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How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate
**** Warning this is purely for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken as advice **** Before every interview I spend hours thinking up the most offensive and bizarre interview answers. This doesn’t help my already slender chances success due to my nonchalance, air of superiority and penchant for the bellow. Interviewers for terrible jobs are like apologetic pimps who currently only have over-weight, masculine hookers. They know you won’t respect or particularly enjoy their girls but they know you’re desperate. I convinced an interviewer that I would turn down Hollywood interest in my film scripts to…
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How to get away with fraudulent sick days
*** Warning this is NOT ADVICE only humour *** Fraudulent sick days are essential in any job you hate. Check the small print in your contract to find out how many paid sick days you get a year. I asked in my interview. It didn’t go down well. Throw a couple of sick days early on in a new job; they won’t expect you to fake illness so soon. When your sick days inevitably increase, they will be less noticeable as your record is already blemished. I only pulled one sickie in my first 6 months, and 5 in the…
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How to get away with calamitous mistakes
**** Warning this is not advice and is purely for entertainment purposes only **** If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not learning. If that’s true I must be a genius. My former employer lent me a brand new car for the weekend to learn about. I didn’t learn a thing and also reversed it into a lamp post. I denied all knowledge of this. Manager’s struggle when you stone wall them with ignorance. Ignorance, when coupled with indifference, is a very powerful weapon. Give off the air that you couldn’t care less and they will assume you’re not responsible…
