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How to close down the company you hate
I orchestrated an elaborate hoax to shut down the business for at least a day. I turned up early and a van marked “Toxic Waste Solutions” screeched past me. 3 men in nuclear boiler suits ran out, tipped luminous green paint on the floor and cordoned off the building. …
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How to pretend you believe your Manager’s lies
Managers are pathological liars. Most have been lying for so long they don’t even realise they’re lying. You mustn’t let them know you see through them… It’s just as well that I’m also a pathological liar. In my interview I lied about: 1. Planning to stay here for years. 2. …
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How to avoid conversations with Management
Conversations with Management are a mine field. You have to fake enthusiasm, excitement and interest. I prefer to avoid them entirely. As I see my Manager approach, I pick up my phone and dial a random number. When he asks me something I mouth “big new customer” and start…
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How to stop nosy colleagues looking at your screen
A nosy colleague who sits behind me desperately tries to see my screen so she can report me to Management. Every company has one of these joyless people and you mustn’t let them see your screen. This gradually decomposing spinster is desperate to catch me on Twitter or Facebook…
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How to Avoid Phonecalls in the job you hate
*** Warning this just for laughs *** Every day my Manager asks what new businesses will order and how many calls I’ll make. The truth of very few on both counts seems to displease him. I reluctantly agree to make 25 calls a day, although I don’t particularly…